heyyy, so i’ve been losing my damn mind since we’ve been apart and i’m starting to feel like shit and all of these emotions are piercing through every inch of my skin and i just don’t know what to do with them or with myself but to just let it all out to you and hope you take the time to hear me out. the only thing that comes to mind when i think of all of this is how fucking sorry i am to have fucked things up with you THIS BAD. and how much hurt and anger and resentment and regret i must have filled you with. and for that i am truly sorry because you didn’t deserve how i’ve treated you, how i took your love for granted, and how i let my past ruin any chance at a future with you.
honestly idek where to begin, i’m just winging it lol. but i’m just sorry, and i could lay here and beg for you back but we both know that’s never going to happen. let’s face it, this time i feel like it’s real. that’s why it’s been hitting me a lot harder because when you know, you just know. it’s been over a month since you’ve left and during this time, i’ve managed to still fuck shit up. all i ever think about is what you’re doing, who you’re with, have you fucked somebody else, and all these questions i have may not ever get answered, i know this. because each day instead of moving on, i hold on to you tighter. i hold on to the idea of us, even though it hurts like hell, even though you broke me. foolishly i have this idea that you’ll come back, that if i keep waiting patiently you’ll realize that a life without me and jrux is something you can’t be without and you’ll come back and fix everything, that you’ll love me again. but, fairytales don’t happen. i KNOW you aren’t coming back. which is why all i see is my pain, all i feel is this stabbing hurt in my heart and a deep sense of loss inside my soul. i’m stuck here feeling every bit of your absence, and i keep thinking how you’re fine without me, that a memory of me doesn’t pass through your mind, and you’ve moved on for good. i lost you and i don’t know how i’ll ever be able to live with myself because of it.
i wish i could be more like you. you’re so strong (not just pyschically lol). because you were able to make it this far with me through patience, forgiveness, and a little bit of love. and those are some of my favorite things i admire about you most. well, because those are the areas i lack. and i want you to know that i love you so much and it fucking kills me that this is our final destination of our relationship. it kills me that we ended up this way and i know, i can only blame myself for this. and there isn’t anything in the world i wouldn’t trade than just to be with you again. and if i could take everything back i would. but i’m not God nor do i possess any magic so, i’m sorry i wasn’t good enough and that i’m so damaged and that i’m probably the worst person in the world. but you, i want you to know that i have never cheated on you and you were more than good enough. i was just stupid and blinded by my past to allow the good things you possess into my heart because i’m always afraid of what comes with that — the hurt. yet all along, i’ve been only hurting myself. i’m hurt that i hurt you and that i hurt what could have been. but we can leave this all behind us now because i feel like my time with you has reached its course and i have to do what is right even when i know it might just be the death of me. even if that means losing you entirely. because i could never make you happy the way the other girls you’ve been with did. the stories i hear, the pictures, videos, memories i’ve seen, the smile and laughter they could give you. i could never be that. i could never be able to make you happy and i hate that. i hate that i make you so miserable that it’s impossible for you to be around me. and i’m honestly dumbfounded by whatever reason you chose to stick around this long. because i’m trash. i ain’t shit and i bring nothing to the table other than the amount of love i have for you. and i’m sorry that it’s not much, but that’s all i got.
i don’t expect you to even respond to me if you ever read this. i made my bed, so the only thing left to do is lay in it. thank you for everything you’ve done for me and my family. thank you for loving me even when i didn’t deserve it. and thank you for teaching me this lesson. i’ll figure out the phone thing in the morning and i’ll TRY to drop off your things at your grandma’s before you get off work today. if not, i’ll figure something out. and do what you gotta do about court or whatever, i deserve all the punishment in the world and whatever else you feel like doing on top of this.
so to wrap this up, i know i did everything that i could to love you and each time i loved you i just got hurt more and more. i acted wildly without thought. i did things i’m not proud of. i said things i’m not proud of. but it hurts so much to love you still, to think about you constantly. to yearn for your love again. you meant everything to me and now i have to let go. it’s killing me holding on to something that will never happen. because you no longer love me. and i have to accept that. i’m truly sorry for all the pain i’ve caused you for you to hate me as much as you do and for us to end this way. if i had another chance, i’d do things differently. but i hope someday you can forgive me for all the pain i’ve bestowed upon you. i love you so much and i know that’s not enough anymore. so whatever you do in life, i’ll be rooting for you on the other side. take care and i wish you the best. you are without a doubt my deepest love, and the one that got away. ♡︎