i’m trying so hard to help my babies be able to grow up having healthy relationships with their dad/paternal families in their lives, and that I should have just been applying all that effort towards loving my babies harder, instead of wasting it on selfish, uncaring strangers. because the last thing i want is for my kids to feel like they aren’t loved because their parents aren’t together. and I hope they know that my love is all they’ll ever need.
these past couple of months have not been easy. it has been such a traumatic experience transitioning from being with someone you felt so deeply about, that a week after giving birth to our son jrux you left us, to it becoming a nightmare I can’t seem to wake up from. all because we're both two toxic human beings who see things differently. as much as I would want us to work out and not just for the sake of my children, but because I truly loved corey in such a different way than I’ve ever loved someone. the love I had for corey, man there’s just no amount of words that could decipher what I felt for him. and because of that, that is how I know my love for him was nothing short of pure and genuine.
but being alone is HARD, going through break ups is HARD. raising these kids alone and on my own is HARD. this is my third child with yet another baby daddy for God’s sake. you would have thought I’d learn by now with jennaly that THIS ISN’T THE LIFE I'd ever want for myself or for my kids. but regardless of who their fathers are, where they may be, or who they're with now, I just hope that they never feel what every one of their fathers made me feel — which is simply not being good enough for them to be ride or die for me through all the chaos, or that they feel any less worthy for being abandoned, and i hope they NEVER blame themselves for their fathers leaving because things didn't work out for us.
my only goal in life was to be genuinely happy, to have that forever type of love with someone who saw the raw me and still thought i was beautiful and worth saving, but most importantly, building a home and having my own little family filled with honor, respect, and love. and I saw that in corey, I wanted that with corey, I’d do whatever it took to have that with corey. but like with all things in life, people come and people go. and there’s nothing anyone can do to fight the inevitable CHANGE. because that’s just the way life works.
all I’ve ever wanted for corey was for him to be happy. selfishly enough, I WANTED to make him happy, BE THE REASON he was happy, and to finally live a HAPPY LIFE with each other. because we both had our fair shares of bad relationships just like any other couple. but we shared one thing in common; which was to have our own little family. and because of how damaged I am from my past, not only by relationships but from the trauma I experienced at a young age, that I fell short of everything I said I’d be. which in turn, backfired and left me not only in a deeper, empty, and self-loathing hole, I’m afraid this has hardened his heart and may have opened old wounds he was desperately trying to forget from the ones he’s loved before me. I hate that this is what we are now and that we almost made it, and that it could have been beautiful but now, it’s too late.
because the reason for this post is because I can’t shake the thought of him seeking solace in another female to ease the anger he felt towards me. the fact that he went to an ex-girlfriend and said terrible things about me to her because of a fight I can’t even recall was about. and the fact that one: she only USED him to get back at her ex-boyfriend by having SEX with corey and two: how they both knew damn well I was PREGNANT and still did what they did. when this person came to me and told me corey and this girl were fooling around, I kid you not, I was weak, sick to my stomach, drop to your knees kind of sick. the only instinct I had was to confront her before I confronted corey. because I know how corey gets when I ask him a question I KNOW HE’S NOT GOING TO address without being angry with me. so, without hesitation and without thought, I just texted her, "woman to woman, and as a mother, when was the last time you and corey smashed?" and all I could do was sit there with jrux in my arms and what felt like a river, streaming down my face, for a response I thought may never come. an hour or so goes by and if you’ve seen the text on my story, there it was — the "Gods honest truth". in that moment, I don’t even remember what I felt, or what was going through my mind, but every text that she sent I got sicker, weaker, until I became completely numb.
what hit me harder the most, was when she said "we all knew you were pregnant". how can another female pride herself in wrecking another woman’s home? and for what? for revenge? and I couldn’t even be mad at her you know? she knew what she was doing and made it clear to me how significant she was in corey’s life and I couldn’t even hate her! because I felt bad for her, honestly. it’s girls like her who ruin other females capability to love, and to be loved and it is not my job to be someone else’ karma. so she’ll get hers, i’m not worried. but corey… oh, corey. after my conversation with her, I called corey but because he was at work, he blocked me until he saw my messages. it was one of the shortest breakup calls I’ve probably had with him.
the sad part of it all, is that I had given him every chance to share his side, his version, and his truth to what had happened. but it wasn’t much of a conversation if you consider getting bitched out for "accusing, blaming, making things up, believing other people" and don’t forget the cuss words and name calling. and that really broke my heart — is that not only could he admit to saying those things about me to her, but not even MAKING AN EFFORT to defend himself or explain anything to me that might help fix the pain that left me with. all he said was, “I’m not even gonna argue. I said what I had to say, you won’t believe me so idk what else to tell you" — (mind you, this is his usual response to any question I ask him) just to avoid a fight, but is it wrong of me to have expected more from him? to have wanted more than what he said? I wasn’t at least given an apology for saying shit to her about me out of anger. but all I got was just THAT and it sucked!
but you know, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn’t smash and that she’s just one of those females who feels empowered by having dudes wrapped around their fingers and they’d do anything for her regardless of who they hurt, or maybe they did and she’s just a hoe. but I’m not even mad, or even hate them lol. I’m just disappointed and hurt because he keeps telling the world I’m a bad and selfish mother, who’s "keeping jrux from seeing him" when on God, that’s not the truth. (I have the receipts to prove it.) and idk why it was hitting me harder yesterday, but I literally could not do anything but lay in bed with jrux all day. I just kept staring at him and feeling so shitty about myself and kept apologizing to him for shit he doesn’t even deserve. so I just cried my eyes out until we fell asleep. then I woke up to his text that said "just confirming if you got jrux’s diapers and wipes" like what in the actual fuck lol?
I can honestly say that idk how much more of this I can handle/take anymore without wanting to drive off the fucking Pali just so I won’t have to deal with the pain of it all. so that’s why I said what I said (in my story) because at the end of the day, I can’t process, heal, and move on from the pain that I feel by staying emotionally attached to him, or hanging on to the wonders of what could have been. because I don't care how much you and a person rekindle things. you'll always think back to how they moved on, knowing you would’ve never did it to them. the whole vibe will be thrown off. it’s hard to love a person the same twice! because when trust is gone, it's OVER! so right now, the best thing for me is that I just need to focus on myself, for myself, by myself. and let this be a lesson —