you all have witnessed the shit corey has been posting about me on his social media and i’ve sat back long enough to let this shit slide without saying something. let me make this very clear to each and every one of you when i say, i don’t need to prove anything or share my story to anyone — not to a single one of you. none of you know me well enough to be biased off of someone’s anger, hatred, bitterness, resentment, etc. towards me.
but i find it not only embarrassing but truly heartbreaking to see corey drag my name through the dirt like this — ESPECIALLY AS A MOTHER. because for one, I HAVE NEVER "KEPT JRUX FROM COREY" in any way, shape or form. he’s painting this terrible image of me by using jrux and being a mother to get to me by playing the victim and i am not going to sit back in silence any longer. i tell him every single time that he is more than welcome to see jrux any time he pleases. my door will always be open for him. the REAL REASON and TRUTH to why he’s saying i’m "KEEPING JRUX FROM HIM" is because he doesn’t have a car and expects me to take jrux to his grandma’s house. mind you, corey and i have been together for over a year and i’ve barely met any of his family until jrux came out, and they already hate me because of the things corey makes me out to be. most of which are not entirely true such as this. but HE is responsible for his own actions and needs to man up and stop telling lies because the truth is — I HAVE NEVER KEPT JRUX AWAY FROM COREY!
i’ll be the first to admit that I am not perfect. i take full ownership of my faults and the shit i’ve said and done that got us here. but i needed time to heal and work on myself because not gonna lie, i’m toxic af. but it’s because the guys i’ve dated have damaged me this bad that i could never let anyone in the way they expect me to. i have anger issues, i’m insecure, i’m jealous, i’m not that exciting, but most of all, i have major TRUST ISSUES. all for the simple fact that each and every single one of my exes has either lied, cheated, or abused me. so anytime he calls me crazy, or some psycho ass dumb bitch or whatever other name he’s called me in the book, please understand that i have been through my fair share of hurt in relationships that it has molded me into the damaged woman i am today and probably will continue to be. i’m not crazy or psycho for acting upon my feelings, nor should i be punished for how i feel because my feelings are valid, or being psychologically abused for my insecurities placed by each person who did me dirty.
what many of you don’t know is my truth, my side, my version, of the story, which to be fair, is no one’s fault but my very own. you all know that i can be petulant, naive, immature, and a bitter ass bitch which i own up to. but you are not perfect and neither am I. yes, i have posted negatively about corey before but not to this extent. and fun fact, the first week of our separation, i deleted most of my social media accounts because of this exact reason. i’m a very vocal ass person and i tend to air out my shit which only damages myself, my family, and others around us. so as part of the healing process, i deleted my social media accounts out of respect for him to not allow my hurt to project onto others. but it wasn’t until one of our mutual friends had sent me one of his posts about me that i had to see them for myself. so in turn, i reactivated my accounts and couldn’t believe what i was seeing.
what he posts about me hurts, what others are saying about me hurts, but those are things that don’t phase me as much because he reacted to the hurt he was feeling and people react to the history that ties them to corey regardless if any of it is true or not. but what hurts the most, is that all of this is coming from corey, himself. that’s what’s killing me — because what you don’t know or see are also the messages and conversations we have offline. many of them are disrespectful messages from him. and there’s a handful of them that are open, honest, and raw messages expressing the love we have for each other. there’s just more to what is shared with y’all that you don’t know or see.
but i just think it’s unfair, injustice, and inhumane for all of you to sit there and judge me for my relationship, for what corey is posting and saying about me, taking sides, enabling him, babying him or feeling bad for him. because you don’t realize what it’s like to walk in my shoes. i don’t appeal for your encouragement, nor do i need your insults or judgements. i can get by because i’ve always managed. i welcome you to experience my world, only then will you realize you have no right to judge me. i welcome you to carry my burden for a day to know what it’s like to be the weight of other people’s criticism. i’ve made many mistakes that have caused others pain, but i’m still learning from them every single day hoping to never repeat them.
and today, someone had told me he’s been cheating on me since i was pregnant — receipts and everything. i will never bring my own self to think there’s another girl better qualified for my relationship because I KNOW what i bring to the table. but if you, my OTHER HALF, gives me an impression that another girl is MORE qualified than i am, GO ON baby. and i could sit here just like corey, and drag his name and do the exact same thing, but I AM NOT THE SAME. i am choosing not to engage in the toxic behaviors of an abuser. because i have learned that "your trauma does not excuse abusive behavior. not ever. you have to do what you have to do to make sure that you don’t turn into your abuser. get therapy. get sober. work a program. make amends. forgive and forget. move on. anything it takes to find peace and do better. but whatever it is you do, you need to stop paying your pain forward to those who haven’t hurt you." so, i am choosing to do better. because at the end of the day, i’m a mother first, before i am his — or anything for that matter. my children are affected by his absence and his actions that it hasn’t been easy for me to cope with. all while trying to help myself. but because i want to do right by my kids, i want to set the example that even when someone you love hurts you, revenge is not the answer. retaliation is not the answer. but most of all, sometimes love is not the answer. because it’s not an easy thing to do, you know? walking away from someone you love because the weight of them hurting you is much heavier than the weight of them loving you back. so don’t try to carry it. it’s okay to walk away to love yourself, truly, finally love yourself, and maybe that is the way you save yourself.
so before you pass judgment on me, please understand, i will never be sorry for feeling everything so deeply, that it cracks my heart, splits my bones, and leaves me in pieces of a mess no one is brave enough to approach. this storm of me is not for everyone, but it is mine and i refuse to apologize for the beauty of my downpour. and know that i’m at peace because i know i was always true, had the best intentions, came from a good place with all of my heart, and i wish the very best to everyone — even the ones who wanted nothing more than to spotlight the ugliest parts of me, still i wish them well. i always will. i hold blessings for everyone, but especially for the ones who wanted nothing more than to see my light turn dark. why? because they need it the most. my peace — it is MINE. it’s personal, unbreakable, and i guard it with my life, because for the life of me, i earned this shit. you cannot break through my light and you cannot shake my peace. it’s mine.